the world is so big, yet no matter where you are...its a small world.....





some how that is so ironic?

im so happy!!!!!!!

...the enjoyment I get out of bagels and cream cheese is disturbing....lol...


i havent written in here in awhile although I felt now was the right time to do it....


i got a new job...and it pays a lot of money....more then i ever thought i would have while being in school and omgawd i love it.....

...i cant wait for vacation....

...since everything is screwed up with my boyfriends family, I am staying at my moms right now.....he is staying with me....it makes you grateful for the family you have.


...i am really happy.....i think im so happy it makes me sick....sure there is my boyfriends family who obviously are fucked....but that doesnt even bother me.....i have school and my friends and my family and of course my boyfriend......also there is ziggy who is just too adorable for words.....

...i have it all right now and i love it.

just back from victoria.,.....miss it and love it...need to move there...not much to say except...its mid term time......yeah!!!

I wish I could say something profound as I re-read my old journal entries but all it does is give me a slight chill. All i remember is this feeling i will never ever shake this feeling of helplessness so irreversable....that i look back and wonder how i am still here.

definatley the alcohol and cocaine did not help. it also did not help when my mom kicked me out and i ended up lost utterally from what was important.

although i did meet my boyfriend.

we have almost been together 5 months and as he lay sleeping in our bed i feel this sense to wanna run back there and lay next to him. he is ultimatley the best thing in my life. he makes me dinner and lunch, buys me stuff, drives me to school, picks me up, carries my books, looked after me when i was so sick includin going to the 24 hour pharmacy to buy me medicine when i was throwing up and spininig my gingerale to make it flat...since apparently he shouldnt have givin me bubbly pop. he cleans are house does r laundry and makes sure i am always happy. i never knew this type of boyfriend exsisted since what i used to date. my aunt told me she can tell he is the one because everyone including his parents know how much he deeply loves me. in a way i hate that because i dont know if i believe in love. i never really felt loved this past year. my parents sure as hell dont love me and well my friends....we'll just hum and hey about that one.

my high school friends have become this space in my heart where i know they belong but they will never be. as i move further along in school and i meet more people and do more things i start to realize the differences we have occured.....we dont laugh as much, we dont chill as much and we dont talk about anything anymore. The only person that knows my day to day life is karen and that is because she always has had a interest in it......and i miss her. i hope some day the girls that used to be my weekend drinking girls will soon come back and ask ...."whats up".

i think about the friends i lost more and more these days...what would they have been and what would we have been?


i think about serg.







and i dont know why. the hurt he gave me will never go away because he was my best friend. although i cant cry about it anymore, it hurts but i wont cry. he got what he wanted and i hope he is happy because i am.

i left my job of four years only to have every manager of the company call me and ask how i am. well guys i am great and thanks for ur sincere worry!!!

I hate how some people never grow up and leave the others waiting for them. when are people just going to grow up and get fast tracked into what is reality.....its not so scary i promise u....



"dont let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game"

life is fucked up!!!! got the boyfriend, the friends, work, school, but I feel swamped with everything.......I feel litteraly overwhelmed...the pile of homework sitting on my living room floor isnt so happening either.....i just want to cry cuz it is sooo much and i feel i will never get it done.......but life overall is good because i have adapted the policy where i am like......smile and smile cuz everything is awesome and everything will be and it working....i cant wait for sfu and i cant wait to turn 20 even though its scary.....but its awesome.....but i should go study since i have a midterm this week but i love all of you......later days!!!!

I got a bit of sarcasm from jess when she said i havent written in here for awhile so here it goes......things have been insane but im lovin it cuz its perfect.....need to go x-mas shopping...will do that this week.....also our staff hang out is sunday...im excited.....this week is going to be intense......like jam packed but i guess its like that every week this just has more stuff to do....like buy a dress for the staff party......buy dress, buy presents, send karens away......create reports for chad.......did awesome on my audit...which amazed me but it was good.....ive got the staff party and i have the bar with ppl and omg i need to go to metro lol.....im happy jess trust me i am.....oh and its girls night sometime this week too....oh god girls can we push it back when are we going to study....plus i need to finish my paper......isnt that hottt.....well besides everything -jess- im awesome and amazing if your wondering....i guess everyone was right when there like everything will be better and more chill......and everything will rock....cuz omg it does.....and i love it how ppl keep telling me i look happier and better and like i have changed and they tell me its very obvious....and i like how im turning 20 in a couple months and that will be kill......kay so lets all think of a drinkin plan.....but if you guys need me call my cell i dont know if i will answer it but at least try to leave a message in my full inbox...ill clean it up


love u guys!!!!

its snowing and that makes me happy.....


update more tonight......tooo much to say

today at school was the best night ever.....night!!

its late and im tired.
i have a date on friday...nixed the old bf.....no new news there...

karen im sorry i didnt call you back school went forever...

kate i miss you and are x-mas shopping is happening again.....

im happy and i am happy that things r this way...i truley believe now everything happens for a reason because if things didnt happen the way they did.....i wouldnt have school, my friends, my new crush, my room.....im happy talking to katrina again...she is different and has changed and i think we both grew up so much this summer and realized what we want from our lives and its sorta exciting acheiving what i want out of my life with her.....its fun and amazing and this is the sort of friendship i wished they would have given me in high school.....but im finally enjoying life the way i want too......my friends from school are truley crazy i adore them....the parties and the laughs and the stories....girls you rock!!!! so many boys are amazing....so many choices....i love life right now....everyone is happy and everyone in my life is going places.......


this is how its supposed to be......

i think your wrong.....

you will be smiling soon, not for long, and when i am gone.



i am so tired and i just wish i was back on my trip away from everyone...in reality....people are lame.....christmas is coming...yes ks shopping...!!! too much to say right now......karen i need to tell u something lets plan a chat......

i left this weekend....i think laura was the breaking the point...or my snapping at my managers or by realizing in an instance this wasnt the way things were supposed to be....maybe i realized ppl lie and i realized i just lost another person that was my past and kept me going.....she was great and i think in all the tears of american eagle jeans and 7-up.... i think losing her is killing me.....i dont have many ppl that get my past life which i thought was good but now i think i need ppl to understand....understand why it hurt me so long ago....why life crashed and why in another instant i lost another friend....im so sick of hearing about petty things when i look outside and realize we have so much more then most....i cant keep puttin friends in the ground and pushing ppl away and i cant keep feeling like i failed....i cant keep running past certain person and have that look like im sorry in their face but they still dont get that im so mad.....but then again i know nothing about life right

ive done so much chemistry my head has finally exploded.....so much to memorize these past few days have been crazy....and painful....although everything is okay....i am excited for next term and tired though i think i wanna sleep for like ever...i pulled an all nighter this week re writing and writing notes and blah blah....and i think ive had at least 10 mental break downs with omg i dont think im gonna pass....but i wrote it and i amazed everyone including myself.....now its physics....i wanted to clean my room but i would rather sleep....i also need to re organize my desk and clean out my car??? i can get my books then hit the library i have to make up a study plan for the girls i tutor and i need to figure out the lay out for the paper.....i also need to find out about writing for the PAN and about volunteering at the hospital.....i wanted to go downtown on saterday but i have no time....im going to cheers on friday and im now going out with ppl from work on saterday.....my parents are practically forcing me out of the house since they know im freaked to drive.....im also going with my dad to get a new car......intense lol.....im realy tired though and ive been up since 5 am and i need to get up to go to work again at 5 am argggggggggg!!!!!!

chem midterm tonight.
cheers friday then busyness on saturday....
im pretty tired since....i have been tryin to get everything done....i also would like to clean my room and i cant wait for next term......soup tomorrow for lunch sounds good dont you think?
i have spent countless hours picking my new cell phone and i discovered it...i also have decided that this weekend is going to rock......going to be gettin a new car also....ahaha....interesting aint it....

i need more post it notes.....i have picked my winter classes.....im super tired and in a lot of pain but im excited for saturday......but im gonna go ttyl

cranberry vodka and fast food....

5am wake up calls and tim hortons....


tons of paper work and one hand....



on a side note i got a new daytimer



and the weird thing is......diane said she felt sorry i was in a car accident....thats strange dont you think????

sometimes i wake up and cry in the middle of the night.....but then i realize its all okay?

the raining is hitting my bedroom window....and ur still not here....

i love where i am in my life, finally at that spot where i believe everything is gonna be okay....dont you love that feeling....


cheers!!!

i was the one who was undone till u picked me up....so how did u fall so far from it all...i thought u were my rock....so y do u push me away.....im not gonna stand here and watch u fall down.....im not going to let u drown....


See I told you all it would be okay.

it must be the way the leaves are falling or the way its crisp and cold that shatters the silence at 5am....or mayb i just know....


things r different way different then I ever thought they would be.....but they are.....and you know what im lovin it....